crunch time

i am overwhelmed, overwhelmed by everything that is coming, overwhelmed by our community's outpour of love and goodness onto us, overwhelmed to not have my daddy walking with me thru this time, so many things overwhelm me right now. yesterday i was driving to meet with my tuesday night group for the last time and i was struck with the sense that this is so easy for me right now but within a week i wont be able to get up and go, i wont be able to drive for atleast 6 months, i will be dependent on my loved ones to care for me. that is a very humbling and sobering thought, i have always been SO independent. i left home for a month for summer camp when i was only 8 yrs old and loved every second of it! i am scared, and i am overwhelmed and i have lots of fears. i have been dreading this friday. that is the day i will have all of my tests run. i have pretty severe post traumatic stress from being in the hospital in high school and from watching my daddy die in the hospital. hospitals are a huge trigger for me....i usually panic pretty bad the second i start having any tests run. but yesterday when i was driving in the most beautiful weather i believe the Lord gave me a image in my head. i was reminded that this friday, the day i have been dreading, is also a really amazingly special day. it is Good Friday. this friday is the day we remember what our heavenly Father did for us on the cross. He suffered the most unbearable death and suffering on that day. He chose to give his life in the most horrific way so that i could live and be free. the fact that he took on my brokenness so that i could be healed and righteous and free is the greatest gift i could ever ask for. im ashamed at how often i forget that truth and feel so sorry for myself and act so pitiful. But i have so much to be thankful for, i have been given such a beautiful life, i have the most amazing family, most incredible husband, and the greatest community of friends i could ever imagine or ask for. i am humbled and thankful today. i hope to keep remembering and holding on to such truths. i need the gospel every minute. i forget so quickly and fall into complete hopelessness and fear. i know the truth in my head and i want to choose to remember it in my heart. my heart is so weak and broken and fragile. please pray for peace for me, please pray that i will remember the my Lord has not forgotten me or forsaken me and will take care of me thru these hard times.

i never ever want to preach at people so i am sorry if this feels like a sermon, i am just writing how i am feeling right now and it helps to me remind myself of these truths.

will and i leave tomorrow morning to fly to rochester. i have to be at mayo at 700am friday morning. one other thing i would so appreciate your prayers for, i would love to not have to wear a halo when i get out. a halo is a very intense gadget for holding your neck steady that they screw into your head. iwould much rather wear a neck brace for obvious reasons. it is much less invasive . it will all depend on how sturdy my neck is after the surgery...

thank you again for your prayers and sweet words of encouragement. they keep me going~ many blessings, ruthie