Wednesday, March 31, 2010

crunch time

i am overwhelmed, overwhelmed by everything that is coming, overwhelmed by our community's outpour of love and goodness onto us, overwhelmed to not have my daddy walking with me thru this time, so many things overwhelm me right now. yesterday i was driving to meet with my tuesday night group for the last time and i was struck with the sense that this is so easy for me right now but within a week i wont be able to get up and go, i wont be able to drive for atleast 6 months, i will be dependent on my loved ones to care for me. that is a very humbling and sobering thought, i have always been SO independent. i left home for a month for summer camp when i was only 8 yrs old and loved every second of it! i am scared, and i am overwhelmed and i have lots of fears. i have been dreading this friday. that is the day i will have all of my tests run. i have pretty severe post traumatic stress from being in the hospital in high school and from watching my daddy die in the hospital. hospitals are a huge trigger for me....i usually panic pretty bad the second i start having any tests run. but yesterday when i was driving in the most beautiful weather i believe the Lord gave me a image in my head. i was reminded that this friday, the day i have been dreading, is also a really amazingly special day. it is Good Friday. this friday is the day we remember what our heavenly Father did for us on the cross. He suffered the most unbearable death and suffering on that day. He chose to give his life in the most horrific way so that i could live and be free. the fact that he took on my brokenness so that i could be healed and righteous and free is the greatest gift i could ever ask for. im ashamed at how often i forget that truth and feel so sorry for myself and act so pitiful. But i have so much to be thankful for, i have been given such a beautiful life, i have the most amazing family, most incredible husband, and the greatest community of friends i could ever imagine or ask for. i am humbled and thankful today. i hope to keep remembering and holding on to such truths. i need the gospel every minute. i forget so quickly and fall into complete hopelessness and fear. i know the truth in my head and i want to choose to remember it in my heart. my heart is so weak and broken and fragile. please pray for peace for me, please pray that i will remember the my Lord has not forgotten me or forsaken me and will take care of me thru these hard times.
i never ever want to preach at people so i am sorry if this feels like a sermon, i am just writing how i am feeling right now and it helps to me remind myself of these truths.
will and i leave tomorrow morning to fly to rochester. i have to be at mayo at 700am friday morning. one other thing i would so appreciate your prayers for, i would love to not have to wear a halo when i get out. a halo is a very intense gadget for holding your neck steady that they screw into your head. iwould much rather wear a neck brace for obvious reasons. it is much less invasive . it will all depend on how sturdy my neck is after the surgery...
thank you again for your prayers and sweet words of encouragement. they keep me going~ many blessings, ruthie

Friday, March 19, 2010

new update~

hey guys, sorry for taking sooo long to get a new update out to everyone, i took a break from everything for a while, i think it was me just trying to have a semi normal life in the midst of the chaos of this past year. but im happy to let everyone in so that you can be praying with me for whats to come!
my surgery is scheduled for april 6th at the mayo clinic in mn...i will run tests at mayo on the 2nd then meet the 2 drs that are doing the surfery on the 5th and surgery on the 6th. there is still alot of unknowns as of right now with what is to come after that schedule is empty, we have one way tickets to mn bc we dont know how long i will need to stay in the one has ever had this surgery so they dont have much to go off of...i am very very scared but trying all the while to stay optimistic and hopeful that the turn out will be a good one...
basically for those that dont know, i broke the top 2 vertebrae in a car accident when i was in HS and they took bone out of my hip and fused it with wire to my neck...the fuse did not take and less than a year ago we found out that a wire they used for the fusion broke, and is actually sticking into my spinal cord....of the dozen drs i have seen and talked to, no one has ever heard of this happening and all were in agreement that if i didnt remove the wire and refuse my neck that i would eventually end up paralyzed....the hard part is removing the wire could also cause paralysis itself but we just have to hope and believe that that wont happen! this past year has by far been the hardest year of my life! right after we found out about my neck, my sweet daddy died from a freak accident~ not having him here and his support has really been a huge void for me and a huge loss. i miss him just as much today as i did a year ago.
we will be in MN for easter weekend and im already sad about it bc that was the last time anyone in my family saw my just so happens that the only time these 2 drs could do my surgery was during the anniversary of my daddies death. VERY LOADED!!!!
i keep having so many sweet people ask me what they can do and the main thing is to pray~ please cry out to our God that he will be merciful and restore me back to health. that the Drs will have all knowledge and skill to do exactly what is needed to restore my health. i have tried so hard to not let fear get the best of me this past year. i have been warned by the drs to be ultra careful in my everyday life, the simplest fall or bump could be devastating. having that information and still living life as normal as possible has been a huge trial that i have succeeded and failed at...
i have been BLOWN AWAY by all the friends, family and community that have shown up for will and i. we have been so lavished with love, prayers, food and peoples resources. we have been soooo humbled by all the amazing generosity people have shown us.
after my dad passed my godfather set up a medical fund for my surgery for people to donate to in honor of my precious daddy, since my insurance call my problem a pre existing condition. the amount of love and generosity we have received thru that fund blows me away!!!!!! its also so amazing to me bc the day my father passed he was coming to see me that night to tell me he would sell everything he had to make sure that i had the surgery that i some way i feel like thru this fund that was started bc of his death, he is still loving and provided for me in some way...
thank you so so much for taking the time to read this and care for me so well.. will and i wish we could thank every individual person who has prayed, donated, brought food and so many other countless things. thank you thank you, it means more to me than you will ever know, i feel so undeserving of such incredible love and generosity and i hope that i am able make others feel half as loved and cared for as YOU have made me feel. with complete thanks, ruthie sayles